Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
