apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
