Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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