i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
