Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
