just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
