I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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