the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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