Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
