I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize
