I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
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Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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