The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
