After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
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You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You pole danced in your parka.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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