Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
