I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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