Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
