Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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