Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
