He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
