The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
