i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
