Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
