don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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