Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
