Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
