drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
