there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
