I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Panties = found
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
