he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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