jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's never too late to be topless.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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