True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
