Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
