so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
