um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
