Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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