fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
