two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
