so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
