allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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