he thought i was a dude.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
