Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
