You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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