saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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