I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
jump out the window naked night went bad
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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