he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
