put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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