Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
