oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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