I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
