We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
