rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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