i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
