last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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