Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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