all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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